you are what you eat

Saturday, May 16, 2009

YOU KNOW WHAT.
i am fucking pissed now. do you know how much effort i put in last yr in np. i practically chased after ya'll to take attendance, collect forms or money. i was a effing tc for 9 months while people who were only there for 3 months could complain? erm, photocopying notes that "broke" your arm. and others put in even more so i dont see why those who dont know whats going on can actually say that people arent aware of how much we screwed up.

i see people talking more about their "interesting" experiences with ma'ams or bloodstained shirts other than thinking. like thinking if it helps or affects us positively in any way. if it doesnt do anything why bother? that aint the main point.

dont you dare say i wasnt aware of how much we all disappointed wanlin. dont you dare say that. HOW LONG DID I TAKE TO CALL YA'LL UP SO YOU GUYS COULD GO FOR AN ACTIVITY TO PREPARE YA'LL FOR ONE FUCKING TEST. HOW LONG! I HAD TO PUT UP WITH WHINING AND FAKE EXCUSES NOT TO GO. AND ALL THAT CRAP ABOUT "IF SHE DOESNT GO I ONT GO" IT SUCKS YOU KNOW.

I WASNT EVEN GOING FOR THAT ACTIVITY MYSELF AND I WOULDNT BE LEARNING OR PREPARING FOR ANY TEST. the only fucking reason i did that was because if only 2 people go, wanlin will be disappointed. i could have just said " screw her i dont care. i'm not the tc, i'm not benefiting from it. so why shld i help"

i dont even dare look at her in the eye. and i feel disappointed with myself for not doing my best. but if i keep trying AND STUPID PEOPLE DONT EVEN NOTICE A PEANUT, WHAT HELP DOES THAT DO? how does that bond our squad?

i wanna know the squads opinion on things. like for our squad item. or even simple things to bond our squad.
and when we propose stuff and ya'll cans ay is "SO GROSS! FIND SOMETHING ELSE LAH! CAN YOU GUYS PICK SOMETHING TO BOND THE SQUAD BETTER" OI! you want you think of it can! always blaming me and some people for not trying hard enough. does the squad only consist of me. of course not. i dont like telling ya'll what to do. i wanna listen. i wanna have a meeting where i actually have your opinions to listen to. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE MURDER BOOKS IN MY FACE . and everytime wanlin gets disappointed i feel fucking bad.

i only have np to help me get confident. and i'm trying really hard in both my studies and in np. its a walk in the park for smart people cause what do they have to worry about being looked down on? if youre smart the world practically worshis you. its a battle for me everyday because i need to do well in np and in studies. getting an a for me is like hitting gold. while those scholars just find it so normal.
i'm fighting to even hit an a2 for some subjects. and i'm also fighting to do well in np to not disappoint the ma'ams. if you smart asses alr do well in your studies why not try even harder for np. and its even a battle with the teachers alone mrs chan just told me "you continue like that i tell you mom"
i was scolded for the slightest things.
its mroe exhausting for me than you guys okay.

jtc was the worst. i didnt go for any trainings at all. jeraldine venetia and i really tried. and i was sort of hoping that was the time i could depend on some of ya'll to lead me to teach me stuff i didnt know.
instead it was just me and litong trying to tie the boundary. me lighting up fires for all of ya'll. me struggling in nearly every part cause i didnt go for training. i was rushing through food proposals and finding a group name. thinking of a performance. you guys were so much clearer on what was expected. you even had time to discuss during activity. instead its me thinking of a group name? and rushing with some people to think of a cheer? me and some people staying back so we could help our group finihs the food proposals? i hate it y'know. i hate trying to lead the squad cause i know i cant do it wihout your help. i hate telling you guys what to do in meetings. i want ya'll to stop listening to me and give your opinions instead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no no i'm not saying i'm doing it to prove i'm the best. im saying i'm doing it cause i dont want to disappoint the ma'ams. kay? so dont misunderstand. and i know you wil hate me. but i hope you get the message. i know ya'll try too. but jiayou kay. dont break down when you are stressed. and for those who are holding aic positions now, its time for you to show your leadership skills.

hint to deco aic : ic has been sending me countless messages to get you online.

eaten. burrp. *Saturday, May 16, 2009*

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